This blog...is the story of two men and their, frankly, ridiculous adventures. Of murder, mystery and mayhem. But from now on, there’s a new story. A bigger adventure.
Ladies and gentlemen,女士们先生们，Pray charge your glasses and be upstanding. Today begin the adventures of Mary Elizabeth Watson and John Hamish Watson.
The thrill of the chase, the blood pumping through your veins, just the two of us against the rest of the world.
I won't insult your intelligence by explaining it to you.
John, I am a ridiculous man. Redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship.
The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future are my privilege.
To the very best of times, John.
Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, and...um, others:
John Watson. My friend John Watson. John... When John first broached the subject of being Best Man, I was confused.
I confess at first I didn’t realize he was asking me, when finally I understood I expressed to him that I was both flattered and surprised. I nonetheless promised that I would do my very best to accomplish a task which was, for me, as demanding and difficult as any I had ever contemplated. Additionally, I thanked him for the trust he placed in me and indicated that I was, in some ways, very close to being moved by it.
I’m afraid John, I can’t congratulate you. All emotions and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honor the deathwatchbeetle that is the doom of our society and in time one feels certain our entire species. But anyway, let’s talk about John.
If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures, this is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own, that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes in turn, From the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides. It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favor exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel, and contrast is, after all, God’s own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation. Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.
The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all round obnoxious asshole that anyone could possibly have misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be Best Man. It is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend. And certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.